5/10/10

its happening. the days ive been dreading but have known in the back of my head would probubly come back to haunt me. the days that brought me such horrors. the days of the wreched black hole that keeps getting deeper but is exteremely difficult to get out of. the black hole that swallows so many wonderfull people. the black hole that tried to swallow me a few times but failed. the hole that has swallowed 6 of my friends in the past year alone. the darkest days are in that hole. the black hole of depression. and its trying to dig itself into my life again. i can feel it. its edges are tempting. for, its just too easy to fall off the edges and into its darkness. espessially for a klutz like me. though i have no wishes to be welcomed back into it. its almost inevitable that it will happen. all you have to do is lose concentration for a fraction of a second and it grabs you by the foot and pulls you in. literally. i can feel it pulling me downward. its kind of scary, yet familiar. like ive been here before. because i have. it started in february 2009. i finally dug myself out of the never ending hole in july 2009, when my grandpa died and i broke my kneecap. odd isnt it? that the death of a family member lifted me almost completely out of that deep, dark hole? and that the breaking of my kneecap- which still hurts right now, pulled me out the rest of the way? i think it was because my grandpa died for me. he died so that i didnt have to. and it was him because the doctors had been telling him every year for the last 20 years of his life that he had less than a year left in this life. I believe he's still with us today. maybe as baby Rose. who was baptized on Saturday. maybe as one of the kittens that one of the stray cats that lives at my grandma's hosue. i dont know. but i believe he's still with us somewhere. or maybe he's in the heaven's. watching us from above. and perhapse he'll greet my dad at the gates of Heaven when he dies. or maybe he'll come back as the person that creates peace in my family. if such a person could ever show up. it seems like that would be too good to happen in my shit home life. well, im gonna go to bed now so byyyeeee.



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*