5/21/10

sooo um yea ive been far too busy and far too confused recently to get on here so yea im sorry lol i found out more about mandy and the answer brought up so many more questions but she doesnt want to talk about it so im just left behind all answerless and everything. oh well ill figure it out eventually. thats why ive been confused. the whole situation with mandy. and then ive been really busy with revenge of the space pandas :) ive been having play practice for that and not getting home until around 6 then eating dinner and then taking a shower, doing homework and going to bed because by the end of the day im exhausted. but the plays tomorrow along with my birthday :) im excited :D sweet 16!! :D anywayz i g2g take a shower hopefully ill be able to update again tomorrow? idk yet. byyyyeeeeee :)



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/15/10

uggghhhh im really pissed off. my dad got really mad at the store today because i had to get wood for my demonstration speech and i needed 3 pieces that were $3 each and i was going to cut them each in 1/2 so i had enough pieces because thats the cheapest way and he started yelling at me in the middle of the store and wouldnt let me buy the paint. does he realize that if i fail this speech ill fail english 2???? anywayz it really pissed me off. and im pissed at my sister too because last night she never let me use the laptop and she slept on it and then set her alarm clock for 5:30am so that i wouldnt get it and dad wouldnt find out that we use it. and im still really confused about mandy. i was looking for an extra toothbrush today and i found mine and mandy's 7th grade gossip journal that we told each other all of our secrets in. i read it and it brought back quite a few memories but it made me sad because we arent that close anymore :( and so i started a gossip journal between us but instead of passing it back and fourth im gonna be the only person writing in it and i probably wont give it to her. if i do it wont be until long after it is completely filled. i also decided that im going to try something. i really want to make my family get along better, so im going to carry around a journal everywhere and each person in my family has 2 pages. 1 for all of the good things i notice and 1 for all of the bad things i notice. and then i think ill give both lists to them all for christmas. because when people are told that they do something they start to notice every time they do it, and sometimes they aim to stop doing it. so thats pretty much it. not a great day today :(



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/14/10

today was great. i had a great time at dinner with some family friends and i really figured out more of who my real friends are. im still upset about mandy but i decided that i dont really care about her as much as i used to. im going to keep this blog really short because i have like 1 minuet before this computer has to be shut off so yea byyyyeeeeeeee



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/13/10

i have felt like shit all day. on the verge of tears all day. and just right now i thoiught of something that might help but my txting turns off at 9:30 and it is now 10:00. :( yes, i am still upset about what my old neighbor told me. at lunch i talked to my guidance councelor and he said hed talk to mandy and then i went back to my table and had like a mental breakdown and i now know who my true best friend is and who my real best friends are and thank god one of them is a sophomore like me. i love them to death and they really helped me a lot today <3 they r jess and seth, and emily, of course, but i never see her anymore :( <3 anyways jess and seth really helped me a lot today and if they knew about this, id totally thank them a lot :) and thanks riley and mandy for helping me realise who my true friends are. i mean, riley definately is a great friend, he wouldnt have told me anything if he wasnt, nut mandy on the other hand... not so much anymore. anywayz, ive thought way more than most people do in a lifetime in the past hour so byyyeeee.



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons.*

5/12/10

sometimes i wish i was a character from a book. usually its the book im reading at the time. but today i wish i was Anna Fitzgerald from My Sister's Keeper. Because i feel like I can relater to her. and right now I just realized how horrible of a friend my "best" friend is. i now have no idea what to do. i really hope i can trust my old neighbor cuz thats who im talking to about it right now. i honestly dont feel like i can really trust her right now. and i know that she stopped telling me things. and the few things she does tell me, she tells all of her other friends first. and then she keeps calling me her "best friend" i honestly dont get it. im almost tempted to just stop talking to her but that would be mean wouldnt it? i think she stopped being my best friend in like november. its wierd. i dont think i have a best friend now. for the first time in my life. i mean, i have a ton of friends (more than most people) but i dont have a true best friend anymore. i feel so lost and im kinda pissed off. mandy always had me go to everything she was in. piano recital, ice show, play, anything. ive made all the sets for everything in the auditorium and school and she doesnt even have an intrest in seeing them. and the play im in thats on my birthday, she wont even consier going to it. :'( i feel so lost... i need help. my old neighbor is agreeing with her i think because hes always the first person she tells about things and i dont talk to him as often as he does. i dont know who to beleive. i feel so betreyed i dont know who to trust anymore. im so fiucking lost. if i think about more i think ill explode. i have to stop writing this... byyyeee



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/11/10

ahhh!!!! today was sooo odd!!!! like i actually made the first bus for like the first time this semester and then right after i got on it started pouring and it wasnt even raining while i was waiting for it :) and then my guidance counselor let me and mandy steel his squishy thingy with eyes and so i had that all day and then he wouldnt take it back at lunch when i went to give it back today. then after school i help my friend torriana unjam her locker and then after that my friend maya and i were talking and we havent talk in like foreverrrr because we hardly ever see each other any more. :( and then after that i was going to my locker so i could put all my shit from history in my locker so that i wouldnt be late for play practice when i ran into my friends annie and jessie and so we were talking and play practice started at 3 and school gets out at 2:30 and it was 2:55 so i couldnt talk to them for very long but it was still fun :) and then i got to play practice on time and found out that my fellow citizen went home sick today :( but all was good even though i was the only citizen there. but today was an important practice to go to because we had to talk about props - im bringing the giant pumpkin :) and costumes which i already have mine but we need to bring them to school by monday, cast pictures, cast t-shirts, and the cast party. which i am definitely going to :D my parents havent let me go to any of the other ones but since it is on my birthday they kind of have to let me go because they canceled my birthday camping trip that i go on every year :'( and they wont let me have a party even though its my sweet 16 :( so i get to go to the cast party :D im exited :) so im going to go do my biology homework now so byyeeee



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/10/10

its happening. the days ive been dreading but have known in the back of my head would probubly come back to haunt me. the days that brought me such horrors. the days of the wreched black hole that keeps getting deeper but is exteremely difficult to get out of. the black hole that swallows so many wonderfull people. the black hole that tried to swallow me a few times but failed. the hole that has swallowed 6 of my friends in the past year alone. the darkest days are in that hole. the black hole of depression. and its trying to dig itself into my life again. i can feel it. its edges are tempting. for, its just too easy to fall off the edges and into its darkness. espessially for a klutz like me. though i have no wishes to be welcomed back into it. its almost inevitable that it will happen. all you have to do is lose concentration for a fraction of a second and it grabs you by the foot and pulls you in. literally. i can feel it pulling me downward. its kind of scary, yet familiar. like ive been here before. because i have. it started in february 2009. i finally dug myself out of the never ending hole in july 2009, when my grandpa died and i broke my kneecap. odd isnt it? that the death of a family member lifted me almost completely out of that deep, dark hole? and that the breaking of my kneecap- which still hurts right now, pulled me out the rest of the way? i think it was because my grandpa died for me. he died so that i didnt have to. and it was him because the doctors had been telling him every year for the last 20 years of his life that he had less than a year left in this life. I believe he's still with us today. maybe as baby Rose. who was baptized on Saturday. maybe as one of the kittens that one of the stray cats that lives at my grandma's hosue. i dont know. but i believe he's still with us somewhere. or maybe he's in the heaven's. watching us from above. and perhapse he'll greet my dad at the gates of Heaven when he dies. or maybe he'll come back as the person that creates peace in my family. if such a person could ever show up. it seems like that would be too good to happen in my shit home life. well, im gonna go to bed now so byyyeeee.



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5/9/10- Happy Mother's Day!!

umm so today i didnt really do much lol pretty much i woke up watched avatar went to ruths chris (a really good/realyl expensive steak house) came home got on the computer lol thats it haha byyyeeee


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5/8/10

omgomgomgomg today was a pretty great day :) because this morning was my cuzins baptism and then after that it was her brothers birthday party and then after that it was a mothers day dinner and so i got to spend all say with the reletives that i dont get to see very often :) an also when i got home i got almost all of my apps to work finally :) and yea it made me very happy :) and one of my cuzins, john, works for an insurance company (it was his daughter that got baptised) and his job is to think of ways that people can die that his insurance company can cover kind of and i want to be a storm chaser so his wife thinks that my spring/ summer home should be a trailer in oklahoma and johns brither who is younger than i am thinks that my "the rest of the time" home should be an all glass house in california lmao can you tell that i am very well loved in my family? haha we are all so wierd... but its wayyy more fun that way :D anywayz, today was a good day :) i am tired. and so i am going to go to bed now. byyyeeeeee



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/7/10

ughhh my ipod really fucking pissed me off cuz its gay and retarded and it doesnt work right. not that theres anything wrong with being gay or retarded because gay people are awesome and im retarded but i cant think of any ipod insults right now. but anywayz theres this one girl, meg, and shes my friends current girlfriend and shes really annoying and we have wayyy too much in common. about the same hearing loss about the same vision loss a lot of similar clothing the same friends (only i have more cuz like i said, shes annoying) anywayz i just found out that she has my birthday too. and yes, she has MY birthday cuz im turning 16 and shes turning 15. but since shes an attention whore shes probably gonna go around being all like 'its my birthday treat me like royalty just ignore everyone else' and my birthdays more important than hers cuz its my sweet 16. and that kind of made me mad cuz like pretty much everything about us that we cant possibly change is the same. and i strive for being different and she strives for being the same. thats the biggest difference. ughhhh how can i be different if shes the same? arrrgggggg i am cold lol so my ex boyfriend texted me today and told me to add him on facebook because he finally got one and i dont really know if i want to. i mean, we were messaging each other on facebook a little because he got like a week after we broke up and i didnt want to add him and its been like 2 weeks now and im not really sure if i want to add him or not. i mean, its not like i have anything against him or anything because i dont, its just that hes my ex you know? and its not like weve been broken up for like forever i mean its only been like 2 weeks. and he told me that a few people are waiting for it to be a little bit longer since we broke up so that they can ask me out which i am going to say no to all of them just because being single is fun and he seemed kind of unhappy about that and he told me i was being annoying (as always just because i have to explain my reasoning that doesnt normally make any sense) and so i asked him why he texted me and he was like "because i like you and your fun and amusing to talk to" what the fuck im so confused whats happening???? anyway i know im not supposed to go to bed confused but my head hurts so im going to anyway. byyyyeeeeee



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/6/10

omg im so pissed off at the moment >:[ because my ipod broke so i had to get a new 1. well thats cool and all right? yea but i had to redownload everything. which isnt a big deal. but with all the apps i play all the time i have to start over with because they dont make accounts for them. what the fuck. why the hell wouldnt they do that. i spent quite a bit of money on some of them and i was really far into them and now i have to start all over again >:[ and also i have to reset all of my settings. and this greatly displeases me. but on the bright side i got my costume for revenge of the space pandas!! :D im wearing lime green gogo boots a flowy skirt thats fading striped green and yellow and brownish a blue shirt with black zebra strips and a white 1/2 sweatshirt thingy and i think maybe yellow leggings but idk yet and possibly a green headband with two antennas spring thingys with red green and silver streamers coming out of the top. so i think that since im like really tired and about to crash in like 30 seconds because ive been staying up just to update this that im going to go to bed in a few minuets. and i would tell you all about my day but i dont remember most of it because it seems like it was forever ago. sooo yea lol im going to bed now. byyyyeeeee



*if any names were mentioned they were changed for privacy reasons*

5/5/10

i dont feel very good right now so this will probably be kind of short again. sorry. its been an off day, ive felt kinda not very goodish all day :( but yea so this morning i had to run around the school like a maniac trying to find a computer that would let me print my rough draft for my research paper which is worth 75 points. and then i found one and i had to go to a color guard meeting but by the time i got there it was ending :( and then i went to english and we were watching youtube videos to find ethos pathos and the other one that i cant remember what its called right now but some of them were really funny because they were just that ridiculous lol and then i went to spanish where we celebrated cinco de mayo by taking a test. isnt that just the best way to celebrate a "fake" holiday? no, no its not the best way to celebrate anything. then i went to lunch which was kinda boringish today but that mightve been because ive been so blehhh all day. not even blahhhhh just blehhhhh :( and then i went to photography and finished my photoshop and then i went to history and we had a substitute teacher :( i actually really like my history teacher lol but that is the only class that i had today that i have a few friends in and so we were talking the whole time and i fell while sitting down and, yes, it is possible. i do it sometimes. and yes, it IS different than falling out of a chair. and then i went to play practice and we played a game and i had to play leap frog with a rhinoceros and play hopscotch with an elephant. and then i went to my guidance counselor and stole some candy and then i went home and then i went to my neighbors cinco de mayo party and then i went home and now im writing this and i still feel like shit so yea byyyeeeeeeee



*if i mentioned any names, they have all been changed for privacy reasons*

5/4/10

this is going to be a short entry because i am tired and its ben a long day and i just dinnished writing the rough draft for my research paper :D anywayz today went like this: my bus driver drove passed my house and then screamed SHIT!! and stopped far away from my house so that i could get on it. then when i got to school i was followed around by this wierd awkward kid that likes me but he doesnt really know how to talk to people and every other sentance is "did i do or say something wrong?" and he asked me out and i said no cuz i never talk to him. and i dont really wanna start talking to him all the time either... and then i went to the guidance counclor's office (as always) and got candy and had an awesome conversation with some friends and then i went to all my classes and then i went to play practice and that was fun (of course) and then i went to take my driving test but the teacher that i was driving with cancelled and didn tell me until i got there so i missed and hour of play pracitce for apparently no reason :( and that was suppised to be how i got home so the other drivers ed teacher who was driving with different students drove me home and then i was home for like 20 mins and my mom got home and then we left cuz my sister wanted new jeans so i went to borders and bought some storm chaser books :D and w got home at 9pm and then i worked on mu research paper until 11:30pm and now im writing this so i am now going to make my bed an goto sleep so byyyyeeeeeee





*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/3/10

i am about 300% sure that my dad thinks that i am a hell of a lot dumber than i am because he changed the password to his laptop from our dogs name to his job so that i couldnt use it anymore but that obviously didnt work because i am using his laptop right now and he didnt tell me what the password is lol i call that a fail on his part :P but it works out great for me because now i dont have to worry about my sister using the computer :) however, i am currently a little upset because in the past year 10 people i know have died (6 suicides, 3 car accidents, and my grandpa was old and had been sick 20 years but the thing that ultimately killed him was another heart attack) and my friend meg txted me today saying that she was writing and i asked what she was writing and she said a suicide note and im pretty sure she was writing a legit suicide note. :( so now im not sure what to do because i cant get ahold of her boyfriend and my friend that i always go to for advise said that he didnt want to tell me what to do about this because he doesnt know her and because he didnt want to tell me to do something that made it worse. i just dont want her to be number 11 :( but on a brighter note, i now know what i am going to use for my costume in Revenge of the Space Pandas!! :) for those of you that dont know, that is the play im in thats on my birthday :) im excited :) anywayz, im gonna wear go go boots and socks with neon green and black strips on them with hot pink ends and hello kitty on them and a tiger ears headband and a green headband with like antenna spring things that have red green and silver streamers on the end and a bunch of other shit that doesnt match cuz i am a citizen on a different planet, called Crestveiw :) and again, back to the not so happy stuff... i know, sad bloggy thingy today... sorry.... its been a long day...but um so apparently my friend rachelle's ex bf, my friend nic, and my friend tate all went to a party over the weekend and apparently rachelle's ex and tate made out but nic who is rachelle's bff swears that nothing happened and then at lunch they were both all pissed off and crying and what not ughhh soooo confusing with them... and then like tomorrow i have this huge biology test i dont know any of the shit thats on there and after school i am taking my driving test and i am really nervous because ive never drove with that teacher before and i never learned how to parallel park... so im probably screwed but tomorrow is the only day i can take it :/ anywayz wish me luck :) cuz im gonna need itttt but its getting kinda lateish and i still havent done my homework yet so byyyyeeeeeee

5/2/10

omg so today was such a long day. it was a good day, but my knee hurted really bad and that just automatically makes it a long day. dont ask why cuz it just does. but it was a fun day cuz some friends from my old town came up and we went shopping all day even though none of us got what we went shopping to buy lol i went to get a new purse and they went to get jewlery for prom and all we ended up getting was my friends ears double pierced because we couldnt find any earings that look good by themselves and matched her dress. but thats ok because she knows someone with jewlery that matches her dress and she can borrow it and i can get the purse i want from target and there is one of those 1.2 miles frim my house. i know this because one time me and my mom were there and the key to our car dissappeared and we had to walk home and then my neighbor drove us back to target to get our car and we measured the distance to see hor far we walked and it was 1.2 miles. anywayz we also spent like 2 hours at bath and body works because we smelled every single sent they had in the entire store :) but after awhile they all smelled pretty much the same but we bought a bunch of stuff there and i bought a new wallet cuz my old one broke awhile ago. i also got my negatives developed from the zoo and the second role didnt turn out at all, they were all blank :'( but every single picture on the first role turned out perfectly so i should be ok :) and at dinner me and pheeny were talking about this kid who got arrested for fucking a frog and then somehow rape came up and her sister goes "omg! i get it! raper as is rape her!" and she was completely serious lmfao and then she tried to climb the wall... definately NOT the smartest thing ive ever seen someone try to do... anywayz it was a lot of fun :) now i am uploading a bunch of pics onto facebook. too bad i can only do it 5 at a time and i have like a million of them to put on here... its gonna take for everrrr :( but thats ok cuz as soon as im done writing this im gonna do my spanish homework while i wait for the pictures to load. im am soooo cold. i should put my sheets that my mom finally washed on the bed so that i can get in it and probubly be warmer. but im also feeling really lazy cuz my knee hurts and i dont wanna get up and move all the stuff off my bed so maybe ill just sleep on top of the blankets instead of under them even though if i do that ill probubly freeze to death. anywayz its getting late so im gonna go to bed now. byyyyeeeeeeee



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/1/10

umm... so ill prob keep this entry pretty short for 3 reasons. 1: im only typing with two fingers on my right hand. dont ask why cuz i dont actually know. 2: i dont realy feel all that great right now. and 3: im kindaish tiredish and im going shopping all day tonorrow and so i have to get up early tomorrow so need to go to bed. anywayz, on to my day today... im gonna start with yesterday. cuz it kindaish ties in with today. so yesterday my mom decided she was gonna do all the laundry so she took all the sheets off mine and my sisters beds and then she actually didnt end up doing the laundry. and she wont let us make our beds. so me and my sister are sleeping on the couch bed in the living room. we have to do that again tonight cuz she didnt to the laundry today either. :( and we are also dog sitting my neighbors dog and so he is sleeping on the couch bed with us :) and he got to my house at the same time that i was leaving to go see furry vengence with a few friends and it was actually really funny :) and then when that was over we went to mcdonalds and had a food fight and then i went to maddy's ice show and they did charlie and the chocolate factory :) througout the entire thing maddys little sister was dancing behind us it was soooo funny :) and now im home and im going to bed. byyyeeee



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*