5/21/10

sooo um yea ive been far too busy and far too confused recently to get on here so yea im sorry lol i found out more about mandy and the answer brought up so many more questions but she doesnt want to talk about it so im just left behind all answerless and everything. oh well ill figure it out eventually. thats why ive been confused. the whole situation with mandy. and then ive been really busy with revenge of the space pandas :) ive been having play practice for that and not getting home until around 6 then eating dinner and then taking a shower, doing homework and going to bed because by the end of the day im exhausted. but the plays tomorrow along with my birthday :) im excited :D sweet 16!! :D anywayz i g2g take a shower hopefully ill be able to update again tomorrow? idk yet. byyyyeeeeee :)



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/15/10

uggghhhh im really pissed off. my dad got really mad at the store today because i had to get wood for my demonstration speech and i needed 3 pieces that were $3 each and i was going to cut them each in 1/2 so i had enough pieces because thats the cheapest way and he started yelling at me in the middle of the store and wouldnt let me buy the paint. does he realize that if i fail this speech ill fail english 2???? anywayz it really pissed me off. and im pissed at my sister too because last night she never let me use the laptop and she slept on it and then set her alarm clock for 5:30am so that i wouldnt get it and dad wouldnt find out that we use it. and im still really confused about mandy. i was looking for an extra toothbrush today and i found mine and mandy's 7th grade gossip journal that we told each other all of our secrets in. i read it and it brought back quite a few memories but it made me sad because we arent that close anymore :( and so i started a gossip journal between us but instead of passing it back and fourth im gonna be the only person writing in it and i probably wont give it to her. if i do it wont be until long after it is completely filled. i also decided that im going to try something. i really want to make my family get along better, so im going to carry around a journal everywhere and each person in my family has 2 pages. 1 for all of the good things i notice and 1 for all of the bad things i notice. and then i think ill give both lists to them all for christmas. because when people are told that they do something they start to notice every time they do it, and sometimes they aim to stop doing it. so thats pretty much it. not a great day today :(



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/14/10

today was great. i had a great time at dinner with some family friends and i really figured out more of who my real friends are. im still upset about mandy but i decided that i dont really care about her as much as i used to. im going to keep this blog really short because i have like 1 minuet before this computer has to be shut off so yea byyyyeeeeeeee



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/13/10

i have felt like shit all day. on the verge of tears all day. and just right now i thoiught of something that might help but my txting turns off at 9:30 and it is now 10:00. :( yes, i am still upset about what my old neighbor told me. at lunch i talked to my guidance councelor and he said hed talk to mandy and then i went back to my table and had like a mental breakdown and i now know who my true best friend is and who my real best friends are and thank god one of them is a sophomore like me. i love them to death and they really helped me a lot today <3 they r jess and seth, and emily, of course, but i never see her anymore :( <3 anyways jess and seth really helped me a lot today and if they knew about this, id totally thank them a lot :) and thanks riley and mandy for helping me realise who my true friends are. i mean, riley definately is a great friend, he wouldnt have told me anything if he wasnt, nut mandy on the other hand... not so much anymore. anywayz, ive thought way more than most people do in a lifetime in the past hour so byyyeeee.



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons.*

5/12/10

sometimes i wish i was a character from a book. usually its the book im reading at the time. but today i wish i was Anna Fitzgerald from My Sister's Keeper. Because i feel like I can relater to her. and right now I just realized how horrible of a friend my "best" friend is. i now have no idea what to do. i really hope i can trust my old neighbor cuz thats who im talking to about it right now. i honestly dont feel like i can really trust her right now. and i know that she stopped telling me things. and the few things she does tell me, she tells all of her other friends first. and then she keeps calling me her "best friend" i honestly dont get it. im almost tempted to just stop talking to her but that would be mean wouldnt it? i think she stopped being my best friend in like november. its wierd. i dont think i have a best friend now. for the first time in my life. i mean, i have a ton of friends (more than most people) but i dont have a true best friend anymore. i feel so lost and im kinda pissed off. mandy always had me go to everything she was in. piano recital, ice show, play, anything. ive made all the sets for everything in the auditorium and school and she doesnt even have an intrest in seeing them. and the play im in thats on my birthday, she wont even consier going to it. :'( i feel so lost... i need help. my old neighbor is agreeing with her i think because hes always the first person she tells about things and i dont talk to him as often as he does. i dont know who to beleive. i feel so betreyed i dont know who to trust anymore. im so fiucking lost. if i think about more i think ill explode. i have to stop writing this... byyyeee



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/11/10

ahhh!!!! today was sooo odd!!!! like i actually made the first bus for like the first time this semester and then right after i got on it started pouring and it wasnt even raining while i was waiting for it :) and then my guidance counselor let me and mandy steel his squishy thingy with eyes and so i had that all day and then he wouldnt take it back at lunch when i went to give it back today. then after school i help my friend torriana unjam her locker and then after that my friend maya and i were talking and we havent talk in like foreverrrr because we hardly ever see each other any more. :( and then after that i was going to my locker so i could put all my shit from history in my locker so that i wouldnt be late for play practice when i ran into my friends annie and jessie and so we were talking and play practice started at 3 and school gets out at 2:30 and it was 2:55 so i couldnt talk to them for very long but it was still fun :) and then i got to play practice on time and found out that my fellow citizen went home sick today :( but all was good even though i was the only citizen there. but today was an important practice to go to because we had to talk about props - im bringing the giant pumpkin :) and costumes which i already have mine but we need to bring them to school by monday, cast pictures, cast t-shirts, and the cast party. which i am definitely going to :D my parents havent let me go to any of the other ones but since it is on my birthday they kind of have to let me go because they canceled my birthday camping trip that i go on every year :'( and they wont let me have a party even though its my sweet 16 :( so i get to go to the cast party :D im exited :) so im going to go do my biology homework now so byyeeee



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*

5/10/10

its happening. the days ive been dreading but have known in the back of my head would probubly come back to haunt me. the days that brought me such horrors. the days of the wreched black hole that keeps getting deeper but is exteremely difficult to get out of. the black hole that swallows so many wonderfull people. the black hole that tried to swallow me a few times but failed. the hole that has swallowed 6 of my friends in the past year alone. the darkest days are in that hole. the black hole of depression. and its trying to dig itself into my life again. i can feel it. its edges are tempting. for, its just too easy to fall off the edges and into its darkness. espessially for a klutz like me. though i have no wishes to be welcomed back into it. its almost inevitable that it will happen. all you have to do is lose concentration for a fraction of a second and it grabs you by the foot and pulls you in. literally. i can feel it pulling me downward. its kind of scary, yet familiar. like ive been here before. because i have. it started in february 2009. i finally dug myself out of the never ending hole in july 2009, when my grandpa died and i broke my kneecap. odd isnt it? that the death of a family member lifted me almost completely out of that deep, dark hole? and that the breaking of my kneecap- which still hurts right now, pulled me out the rest of the way? i think it was because my grandpa died for me. he died so that i didnt have to. and it was him because the doctors had been telling him every year for the last 20 years of his life that he had less than a year left in this life. I believe he's still with us today. maybe as baby Rose. who was baptized on Saturday. maybe as one of the kittens that one of the stray cats that lives at my grandma's hosue. i dont know. but i believe he's still with us somewhere. or maybe he's in the heaven's. watching us from above. and perhapse he'll greet my dad at the gates of Heaven when he dies. or maybe he'll come back as the person that creates peace in my family. if such a person could ever show up. it seems like that would be too good to happen in my shit home life. well, im gonna go to bed now so byyyeeee.



*all names have been changed for privacy reasons*